9 telltale signs your best friend is a technophobe

11 September 2017

Does your best friend grimace every time you mention Snapchat? Or think an Android tablet is something a robot takes for a headache? And that JPEGs are for hanging out washing? Perhaps they’re still wondering when that ‘Prince’ is finally going to send over their money?

Answer yes to any of the above, and the chances are your best friend’s a full-blown technophobe. If you’re concerned, here are a few telltale signs you should be looking out for…

They’re ever-so polite to Google
We’re the first to agree it’s important to mind your Ps and Qs, but some technophobes really take politeness to the next level. Check your friend’s Google search history and you may well find gems like “Please can you tell me the closest Travelodge to Heathrow airport, thank you”, carefully typed out like they’re talking to a helpful little person inside a machine.

They’re terrified of paying with their phone
Does your best mate jump up and down screaming “Witchcraft! Sorcery!” every time you use your smartphone to buy a flat white? State-of-the-art fingerprint recognition technology means your smartphone is just about the safest way to pay for stuff these days – but that doesn’t stop your best friend thinking it’s the work of the Devil himself.

They TALK REALLY, REALLY LOUD when they Facetime you
We’ve all got one of those friends who thinks that Facetime or Skype isn’t all that far removed from using a pair of tin cans and a piece of string. Is your mate one of those people absolutely convinced they need to bellow at the top of their voice because they’re talking to someone in Australia? We feel your pain.

They keep sending you REALLY inappropriate emojis
Does your best pal fire off ‘roaring with laughter’ emojis after you’ve told them your dog’s just died? Don’t be too hard on them – they actually just thought it was the emoji for ‘crying’. At least, we hope they did. If not, you might want to re-evaluate your friendship.

They can’t stop printing out the internet
We all know how handy the internet is – carrying around billions and billions of pages of information, all accessible in just a few seconds with your tablet, laptop or smartphone. Well, we do, anyway. Your technophobe mate, however, is that person who can’t help printing off ream after ream of pages from the web. Travel guides, directions, emails, trashy stories about celebrities – you name it, they’ll use up several acres of rainforest printing it out.

Their mobile is so retro that it’s almost trendy
Remember the excitement earlier this year when Nokia re-released its classic 3310? Pah, that’s nothing. Your technophobic chum is still proudly carrying around their 2001 version, playing Snake and scrolling through ringtones on public transport – and saving all that web-browsing and emailing for the desktop at home.

You hear a click every time they press a key
There are few noises more intrusive than the sound of a ‘click’ every time someone presses a key on their mobile. We’re still not entirely sure what they’re even there for – perhaps to remind your mate of the good old days when messages were sent by mail and written using huge metal typewriters. Whatever the reason, they’ll never, EVER figure out how to turn it off.

They take an absolute age to take a photo
The beauty of smartphone and tablet cameras is that you can capture those special moments in seconds, then share them with your mates on social media, right? WRONG. No, you need to hold it steady for at least thirty seconds, while telling people to smile and look at the camera. And all that’s before they ask how to get a copy ‘onto their computer’.

They can’t stop inviting you to play Candy Crush
There are few things on Facebook more infuriating than receiving several hundred invites to play Candy Crush. And let’s face it, the chances are they’ve all come from one solitary person. Yep, your technophobic mate. Worst of all, they probably have no idea what Candy Crush even is!

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